The space in between. part I

time for self - love

come on now
extend those arms, stretch those arms , and wrap yourself around
yeah thats right, even more tight! yeah you're doing great!
I love you!


***


there was no real reason , i could not,
not that was ever understood
we had no money
so i did not know
i took it as a law,
i can not
i simply can not
although
we could do the same thing or something similar without the money so that in my sensitive psyche the message would not carve itself so strong
i can not
then i wanted to try myself in art
but somehow i knew within me, that i can not
and then i wanted to hang out with these girls, and i liked that boy, and i wanted this skirt,
but i can not
i simply cannot
so i gave up really on anything and i just did
i did what i was asked to do and i did it "well"
for them well enough
just to pass another day
another night
while inside i was feeling i was dying and that i cannot
pursue my dreams but just do what other people are asking me to do, because this is ok, this is allowed, and i
cannot
do what i want
because what i want is unreasonable
is a fantasy, is a fairytale
and its mad, crazy, weird,
out of this world
yes it was
out of this world
so i escaped to another , the dream world, where i could have all the fun, all the clothes, all the dolls, and all the love i ever wanted
and all the space, to play, and be loved, and admire, and fly
and be the queen or princess of my world
because in this world i cannot
i end up sleeping always almost, and avoiding to work, because i got fed up with all these things im supposed to do and i simply cannot
going around doing what im asked to, and not what i want
i end up sleeping and eating, at least i can be creative in cooking whatever i want
but hey , thats the first step to start creating the things i want

and although this message still rings within me
that whatever is this i ever wanted , i cannot remember but i will not give up now that i start again, to even want
and this message that keeps repeating in most of my cells, slowly they have been changing and dancing the new message that i will do whatever i want
and although the fear comes, an existenstial fear
what about all those years and generations of i cannot , will i just betray them and ignore the information , right on the spot
i move forward without any thought and although i still feel this fear of i cannot
still echoes in my ear and

i can!

it feels intimately so dear
so close to myself with a tear
i let go
and invite all that i want

i dare to face and welcome and host, all that i want

there was plenty of fear
for actually meeting what i want
and by submitting to the regime of i cannot
i have felt so comfortably clear that i did not want
until now
to welcome
and meet what i love the most
my self so dear
it is time to overcome this fear
and just do what you want

<3 p="">
20.3.2019