Resentment

 All the bad things 

I resent you for not being there for me 

I feel this tension in my stomach 

I find myself using not the exact word according to my experience but to what people use and understand

I find myself demeaning myself and my experience for the sake of being understood

but maybe im not here to be understood but bring a new perspective 

yes 

i feel this tension in the center of my body which is not the stomach but 

maybe what they call the solar plexus

it fits more my feeling 

although I don't know what a solar plexus is, apart from what I read

I resent you! 

all the bad feelings

feelings that we would not allow

that we would not express

feelings that I would not share for fear of rejection or abandonment 

but I end up abandoning myself anyway 

what's the point

I rather say the truth instead and then 

probably 

I will find my way somehow 

my truth will lead me there. 

i resent you 

and i m not sure im talking to a person or to myself

as i cannot expect anything from any person 

or can i ?

can i expect you 

to listen and honor what im sharing ?

i am feeling sad

and you saw it

and i thank you 

i think your eyes got wet too

i saw concern in your face

for first time after ages

i saw concern in someone's face although we never really met before almost

only in this zoom meeting. 

just once

and you care 

and that made me whole again 

not the broken piece i was 

walking around looking for wholeness

thinking this is the way its supposed to be 

can i be daring today 

share all my feelings and fears and needs 

and then be rejected ? or maybe met ?

still like a kid

oh that's a judgment

and its takes me no far from letting go and opening myself 

we re not supposed to stay closed and "protected" 

not in this way .

i feel a hole

a hungry hole

in the center

of my body 

i carry it with care

i would say this body, because that's how they're supposed to say 

people, who have realized. 

I'm not there yet, and I don't know if I will ever be 

now this hole seems like it is me .

yes I'm the witness

the daily struggle. 

first step acceptance

then everything else. 

Discrimination 

yes I have read all the steps

but now? 

where am i at now? 

people want me to rush 

there's nowhere to go 

Resentment. 

and all the bad things.

I want to tell you 

you are not bad. 

for feeling what you are feeling. 

I want to tell myself. 

I am not bad

I am allowed to feel all my feelings .

even if they re not mine

now they're here. 

And look all this mess, and this obsession with words. 

my, mine, feelings. 

As if someone would ask you to write an essay with these keywords, 

what would you write? 

would it be ok to feel then? 

what positions would you put each feeling and create between each other ?

is it ok to feel? 

I am telling you that it is. 

It is crucial! 

and no matter how many times this has been said, and written and expressed, it seems yet not enough because you are still choosing, to accept, based on thoughts and ideas, and I prompt you to feel all the sensations . you've got to feel it all before you release it 

no excuse me 

I put myself in a fortress, 

and you cannot reach me and you cannot find me and hurt me anymore

I'm living deep inside, 

but then I cannot reach you and find you either. 

and that hurts me the most. 

I feel hurt and resentment. 

Deep inside the cave of my body, in the middle of my belly just under the ribcage 

where the two worlds meet

me and the other .

are melting to one 

when I feel acceptance. 

and I seem to dance this dance eternally 

around the ages, around the planets, 

focusing and not focusing 

on this feeling 

this moment, 

when you look into me and see the sadness

you name it and you accept it. 

and you stay 

you don't leave 

and i stay too. 

I started practicing this thing, that I'm supposed to let got of thinking of what people think, so I'm gonna press "publish" because it's so tiring to hold back all the time. 

And someone might appreciate, but anyway 

the gift is to be able to be relaxed and just express freely and allow this to take care of the rest all and merge the two worlds into one. 

12.12.2020